Kiitos, anteeks, näkemiin

Today I've done everything which was left to do since I moved home. Selecting useful things from old, selecting old to keep and old to throw out.

I've reordered the furniture in my room and I've cleaned everything.

As I wanted to order everything in my life, I decided to clean my computer also. The PC which I had been using everyday became useless since I moved home. I am using only my laptop. Don't ask why.

I burnt 5 DVDs today with all of my music and work things on. And some photos of course.

I burnt all of my photos which I had made together with my ex too.

Until now I used to clean everything from my life which remembers me of ex-boyfriends. Now I kept the photos, the paper from a cheque which I had paid as the last one in his name, and... well, I kept the memories.

Now I also have a cat which had been first only "mine" then it had become "ours" and now it's "mine" again.

I am wondering sometimes if the cat is missing my ex-boyfriend. Do cats remember? Do cats miss? Do cats feel alone? Does my cat hate me because I left the boyfriend which was its other parent in a way? Is my cat getting bored of me now? Is my ex-boyfriend missing the time when the cat was "ours"? Does he miss the cat? Does he miss me?

And do I miss him?

Once R., a friend of mine asked if I am missing him or our life together. I am asking now the same from myself: Am I missing him or the life we lived together?

I don't know. I don't want to choose.

Now I lost everything. And got another everything.

Now everything's in one order. That life with my ex was in another order.

I can't mix them. I can't change between them. I can't go back. I can go only forward. This is an unpredictable future. That life had a predictable future.

I made the future unpredictable for both of us.

I am sitting now on the fence. What other could I do? I don't lie to myself and say that I am happy when I am not. I am rising up and rising down. Not so balanced though...

Some friend told me that I am relationship-addicted. I confess I am not so strong-willed alone as I should be and it's hard to manage a life like this. But I am trying to.