Kiitos, anteeks, näkemiin

I found today a Finnish song. It's the soundtrack of the quite new Finnish film Sooloilua (Playing Solo). Well, these lyrics meet a lot of people's experiences in life... I remember, how I was in need of a song like this when I broke up with my ex. Songs give sometimes a lot of help with strengthening lyrics in hard times. And I am always very onto every lyrics even if the song doesn't have a "big music" but I find something in the lyrics then it can become my favourite.

Lyrics from Lirama.net

Today I've done everything which was left to do since I moved home. Selecting useful things from old, selecting old to keep and old to throw out.

I've reordered the furniture in my room and I've cleaned everything.

As I wanted to order everything in my life, I decided to clean my computer also. The PC which I had been using everyday became useless since I moved home. I am using only my laptop. Don't ask why.

I burnt 5 DVDs today with all of my music and work things on. And some photos of course.

I burnt all of my photos which I had made together with my ex too.

Until now I used to clean everything from my life which remembers me of ex-boyfriends. Now I kept the photos, the paper from a cheque which I had paid as the last one in his name, and... well, I kept the memories.

Now I also have a cat which had been first only "mine" then it had become "ours" and now it's "mine" again.

I am wondering sometimes if the cat is missing my ex-boyfriend. Do cats remember? Do cats miss? Do cats feel alone? Does my cat hate me because I left the boyfriend which was its other parent in a way? Is my cat getting bored of me now? Is my ex-boyfriend missing the time when the cat was "ours"? Does he miss the cat? Does he miss me?

And do I miss him?

Once R., a friend of mine asked if I am missing him or our life together. I am asking now the same from myself: Am I missing him or the life we lived together?

I don't know. I don't want to choose.

Now I lost everything. And got another everything.

Now everything's in one order. That life with my ex was in another order.

I can't mix them. I can't change between them. I can't go back. I can go only forward. This is an unpredictable future. That life had a predictable future.

I made the future unpredictable for both of us.

I am sitting now on the fence. What other could I do? I don't lie to myself and say that I am happy when I am not. I am rising up and rising down. Not so balanced though...

Some friend told me that I am relationship-addicted. I confess I am not so strong-willed alone as I should be and it's hard to manage a life like this. But I am trying to.

I love you like the lines guiding the blind to the entrance.

I love you like the red colour passing through my eyes.

I love you like the lights of the metro appearing slightly in the end of the tunnel.

I love you like the wind that blows in the subway.

I love you like I love the boy who you will be in five years.

I love you like I love the girl who I was five years ago.

I have a favourite author. Name: Gelléri Andor Endre.

I read once in his autobiographical book that he had had a girlfriend who had told him after reading one of his short stories that it had made her hot.

Today I was sitting on the bus and thinking about this. This whole thing, I mean I also want to write like that. I also want to make somebody hot with my words. Damn, I'm crazy but yeah, why not...

I would like to make a boy hot through the mind. No look in the eyes, no touch on the chest or kiss on the neck. Just words. Just written words.

I was also wondering why I am thinking about this. Maybe because I miss the touch of a boy? Maybe because I feel that some boys would like to miss my touch? Maybe because I am frustrated?

What would I do if a boy came and said 'Come with me for one night.'?

I would laugh. Loud.

I feel that something's missing. But it's not the same.

Az egyik legkedvesebb íróm Gelléri Andor Endre. Az "Egy önérzet történetében" írja, a barátnőjét felizgatta a "Szomjas inasok" című novellája.

Nos, a szomjas inasokkal kapcsolatban eddig én nem éreztem így. Lehet, hogy ha megint elolvasnám, bekattannék. Ki tudja. Most biztosan nem olvasom el újra. Most nem.

A másik, hogy ma belém hasított, hogy én miért nem. Nekem is így kéne írnom, Istenem!

Bárcsak a puszta írott szóval kergethetnék az őrületbe akárkit. Anélkül, hogy látnám, anélkül, hogy egyáltalán ismerném. Anélkül, hogy tudnám hogyan érintsem meg.

Túl közel jár az igazsághoz az, aki azt kérdezi, vajon mikor ért hozzám utoljára férfi. Vagy túl messze. De még mennyire messze.

Jobb ám a nulla és az egy közt ingázni. Mint azt mondani, hogy most egy nagy nulla vagyok vagy, hogy egyedül...